Sounds of the Herat Attack from Paraguay

It is a little after midnight and my phone rings waking me up and I think, "He does know it is midnight, right?"
I pick up the phone and I can hear a lot of noise and my husband say to me, "I'm alright.  I need you to say it back to me, I'm all right."
"You are alright."
Then it hits me...something is not right.  Suddenly the noise in the background becomes all that I can hear.  I hear people yelling, I hear panic. Then I hear my husband again... "We have been attacked, but I'm alright."
I immediately pick up my cell phone and start looking for news.  I hear him say words like, "air support," "bomb," "communications down," and "troops," but all I can see are images of Bengazi in my head.  And then like a bolt of lightening the fear of losing the most amazing man I have ever known, my life, shoots through my body.  Tears begin to flow, and my own panic sets in, because I know that he is not the guy hunkered down in the safe room, behind the blast proof walls.  He is the guy making sure everyone gets to those rooms, he is the guy helping with the guard force to make sure the embassy is not over run, he is the guy with the gun.
Our conversation lasted less than 4 minutes, just long enough for me to know that the shooting had stopped, the marines had arrived and he was alive.

After the attack on September 13th

Before

The next three hours I sat in front of my computer waiting for news sites to catch up on the news.  I talked to my loving Mother who wished more than anything that she could be here to hold my hand (and I wished for the very same thing.) I read anything and everything I could about the bombing.  Around 4 I finally went back to bed, but not before sending an email just to make sure that he was... still here.


The last 40 hours have been some of the hardest of my life.  I have cried more than not; not only because I'm so worried about my husband, but because the reality of how dangerous his job is over there sunk in.

Telling my children  and watching them go though the emotional roller coaster that I had been going through was heart breaking.  I simply cannot imagine being 9 years old and trying to process that information.  I remembered watching as my amazing brother-in-law who at 9 years old learned that his father was going to die, and I feel so much gratitude in my heart that I did not have to have that conversation with my son.

We are still continually praying for his safety and the safety for all of those in that part of the world.  I am especially grateful for the military who were sent to guard the consulate while my husband works, who risk their lives to protect the lives of others.  And I am grateful to the spouses and children of those military members for their sacrifice.  I know that sacrifice; and I know it is often overlooked.

I ask that you please pray for the families of those who lost someone that day.  I know they were not American but none-the-less they died in the service of our country.  I will be forever grateful to those men who did their job with such honor and integrity.

And we continue to pray for the safe return of all of those serving to protect our great nation, no matter which corner of the earth they are doing it in.

The Top 10 Things I learned on my latest trip to Utah

10.  7800 South now exits on the right hand side of the road when going Northbound on Bangerter Highway.

9.  Trying to get in 12 "must do" restaurants in 5 weeks is too many.  Next time we will try for 8.

8.  Trying to work on my masters program 7,000 miles away from the comfort of my PC is harder than I thought it would be.

7.  Isaac has this saying good-bye thing down better than his mom. 

6.  It does not matter how much time you spend at "home" it never seems like enough.

5. I have great friends in Utah.  (I just wish they would come visit me.)

4.  Vacationing with just me and my big kids is FUN!!!

3. Las Vegas Airport sucks in so many ways.

2.  A person's history is your best indicator of their future actions.  If you are expecting a different result, Shame on you! 

1. Family is paramount, even when they are hard to deal with.

What?!? You are staying in Paraguay?

I have decided to blog about my experience deciding to safe haven at post while my husband goes on an Unaccompanied Tour because I think many people in my life, both here in Paraguay and back home think I am crazy for making the decision to say put while my husband leaves for Afghanistan.  And when asked about it I can lay out the pro's and con's list but still few understand. My crap, I don't understand!

When we first started talking about doing an unaccompanied tour there didn't seem to be a doubt that we would move back home.  That decision became even more obvious when my sister added two babies to our family the summer after we moved here.  Why would we stay in a place so far away from home?  But when the time came for us to bid and make the decision and I really sat down and weighed our options the choice didn't seem as clear as it once had.  I can give you the shpel about financially it makes sense for us to stay here.  I can tell you that moving is my least favorite thing to do.  I can explain that moving is super hard on my kids and although being away from family is equally as hard, introducing them into a new school environment for a single year seems like cruel and unusual punishment.  I can tell you of the 12 extra months we will be living here 3 of them will probably be spent stateside. But what it came right down to was no matter how I laid it out, staying always felt like the right thing to do.  I feel like I can be a better mother to my children here where our lives will not be chaos (I hope.) I have prayed, I have visited the temple, and I have filled out every "decision maker" the state department puts out to help you decide. 

But then some issues came up with the school this year and I threw in the towel.  I decided that it was too much work living here (and it is a lot of work) and I didn't know if it was doing more harm that good.  So again (as I have several times in the last six months) sat down, looked at houses for rent in the area I want the kids to go to school back home, looked at timelines, and started working on the logistics of getting us moved back to the states.  And again I was sick to my stomach, I couldn't sleep and it felt like the world was resting on my shoulders.  I prayed and felt the overwhelming sensation that we needed to stay put. 

Some of you may not believe in the power of prayer, but I believe that not only can prayers be answered but if you listen carefully enough you will hear answers you didn't even ask for. 

I think that some family/friends believe my motives may be selfish.  All I can say is that I love living in Paraguay; but not as much as I love and miss my family.  Right now this is what I feel is best for us, and as much as it pains me to be so far away from family, friends and Cafe Rio it is where we need to be. 

If you are faced with making the decision of staying put or going home while your spouse serves on an unaccompanied tour, I do not envy you.  This has been one of the hardest decisions of my life, probably because our decision was so unexpected for all of us.  I hope our family will see fit to forgive me, maybe squish in a visit, but at the very least make the most of the time we will spend at home over the next year.