I have decided to blog about my experience deciding to safe haven at post while my husband goes on an Unaccompanied Tour because I think many people in my life, both here in Paraguay and back home think I am crazy for making the decision to say put while my husband leaves for Afghanistan. And when asked about it I can lay out the pro's and con's list but still few understand. My crap, I don't understand!
When we first started talking about doing an unaccompanied tour there didn't seem to be a doubt that we would move back home. That decision became even more obvious when my sister added two babies to our family the summer after we moved here. Why would we stay in a place so far away from home? But when the time came for us to bid and make the decision and I really sat down and weighed our options the choice didn't seem as clear as it once had. I can give you the shpel about financially it makes sense for us to stay here. I can tell you that moving is my least favorite thing to do. I can explain that moving is super hard on my kids and although being away from family is equally as hard, introducing them into a new school environment for a single year seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I can tell you of the 12 extra months we will be living here 3 of them will probably be spent stateside. But what it came right down to was no matter how I laid it out, staying always felt like the right thing to do. I feel like I can be a better mother to my children here where our lives will not be chaos (I hope.) I have prayed, I have visited the temple, and I have filled out every "decision maker" the state department puts out to help you decide.
But then some issues came up with the school this year and I threw in the towel. I decided that it was too much work living here (and it is a lot of work) and I didn't know if it was doing more harm that good. So again (as I have several times in the last six months) sat down, looked at houses for rent in the area I want the kids to go to school back home, looked at timelines, and started working on the logistics of getting us moved back to the states. And again I was sick to my stomach, I couldn't sleep and it felt like the world was resting on my shoulders. I prayed and felt the overwhelming sensation that we needed to stay put.
Some of you may not believe in the power of prayer, but I believe that not only can prayers be answered but if you listen carefully enough you will hear answers you didn't even ask for.
I think that some family/friends believe my motives may be selfish. All I can say is that I love living in Paraguay; but not as much as I love and miss my family. Right now this is what I feel is best for us, and as much as it pains me to be so far away from family, friends and Cafe Rio it is where we need to be.
If you are faced with making the decision of staying put or going home while your spouse serves on an unaccompanied tour, I do not envy you. This has been one of the hardest decisions of my life, probably because our decision was so unexpected for all of us. I hope our family will see fit to forgive me, maybe squish in a visit, but at the very least make the most of the time we will spend at home over the next year.
This is tough. We haven't been through an unaccompanied tour, exactly, but we did have two back to back evacs (one year away from my husband and post). I chose to stay in DC with our son instead of going elsewhere to family. Connected to work and the life I was familiar with left me feeling more in control. With school age kids I fully believe that you must do the best you can for their well-being during the coming year, and as you know it is staying, then stay you should! Stability is PRICELESS!! I am sure you will do some traveling... and hopefully your family might come to see you! Best of luck, and may this time pass quickly.
ReplyDeleteI think you know that I know all too well how stressful and complicated a UT can be. In fact, I think our second has gone so well because of one thing: we stayed put!
ReplyDeleteYes, we are in the U.S., but not near family. We had the option of moving closer to family, but that would mean uprooting my kids from an area they love. It would mean so much change when we are moving overseas again for our next tour.
The single best thing you can do is provide stability. If that means staying put, and you know it is the right thing to do, then the year will be so, so, so much easier on you. Good luck, and you know we understand!
You are absolutely amazing my friend! Making such an incredibly hard decision regarding what is best for your family, how it is going to affect your children, etc. is not an easy one and I do not envy you. Hold strong to your answer and know that Heavenly Father really does love us. He really does know what we need, what our spouse needs, and what our children need. I hope and pray that you will feel the love and support of your family and friends as you move forward through this difficult transition and decision. Be strong! I'm here for you!
ReplyDeleteI used to train contingency planning in the SOS program at FSI...getting couples to think about the "what-ifs" in an evacuation, whether it was for civil unrest, a volcano eruption, or a ruptured appendix. One of the major topics of consideration is where the evacuated family members will go for the evacuation period. The knee jerk response is to say "we would go to grandma's house in Dubuque". But is that really the best for your family? Have any kids in the school moved five times in the first six years of their lives? Do they really understand what your husband does for a living? Is there another Foreign Service spouse in the vicinity who will share a shoulder? Will any business in town hire you when they find out you will only be there for a year and you will need 3-4 weeks off every three months? How will you feel when you are removed from the hub of information? When those questions are answered honestly, many evacuees decide that DC is the best place to hunker down temporarily.
ReplyDeleteYou, too, had to answer all these questions in your own decision-making process for this unaccompanied tour. Your loved ones will just need some time to realize with you that this really is the best decision for the sake of stability and sanity for your immediate family. They can join you in the ever-popular mantra: it's only for a year...it's only for a year....
Arghhh... Blogger ate my comment! Anyway, as I had written earlier. This is my 2nd UT. And from experience I can say that staying put where you have the support from people who know you, know your circumstances is FAR superior than being in close proximity to blood relations. Been there, done that. x2!
ReplyDeleteGive yourself and your kids the stability they need and deserve. It's hard enough moving for 1 year ... let alone by yourself, and establishing yourself in a community of which you won't be a part for very long. None of the being apart is easy, and nobody is going to love whatever decision you make. BUT, if you make the best one for YOU, then it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks anyway!
18 months of this separated lifestyle ... and counting! I'm here if you ever need / want to talk.
I haven't had to go through an unaccompanied tour, but I'd definitely consider staying put for one. My life is much easier overseas (domestic help!) and I'm surrounded by people who understand my situation and don't wonder if I'm divorced when I got to church without a husband. Family is nice, but they also have their own busy lives. And in the end, it's your family and your decision!
ReplyDeleteGood luck. If we manage to do a UT at the end of this tour, we've agreed the family is staying put at post. The primary reason we'd do a UT is so that my 2nd kids can graduate HS here. And it just makes the most sense for us after 3 years, both financially and emotionally. Honestly, I never considered asking my parents if we should move near them because their opinion/desire doesn't weigh into our decision making. If it did, we never would have joined State in the first place (has something to do with me being an only child and taking the only grandkids far far far away). We certainly wouldn't have bid on the ME if it were up to them either.
ReplyDeleteGo with your gut. Stay surrounded by people you know and trust and even more importantly, who know and understand what YOU are going through.
Your thought/research process was pretty similar to mine except that I went into it knowing we'd stay. There was a very brief period where I reconsidered that, but I stuck to my original plan and never looked back. I know Know KNOW this was what was best for us. You know what you need, and you know what your kids need. That the answer to your prayers confirmed it is the icing on the cake. Which you'll hopefully be eating a lot of while he's gone ...
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